0

He

This is the second of a two-part love story. Click here to read Part 1.

crown

It scares me how much I love him.

I’m afraid of him. This guy… who I’ve been spending most of my every days with. I’m afraid of how he makes me feel; how I always find myself wishing that every instant spent with him would last forever. That every time I’m with him, I just want to tell him how cute he is, or how smart he sounds when he talks, or how good he smells. I’m afraid of liking him so much.

Yet, I love how he is always there for me, whether I need him to or not. How he stays up late when I can’t sleep. That he would listen to me whine/cry/rant up until the wee hours of the morning, even on the most boring and petty topics like politics or heartbreak.

I love how he is someone who I could share my dreams with. Although he is always the first to laugh at all the flaws and naivety in them, he would still try to support me when he can.

I love how he could get me to bend the rules and break free from all my high standards. He was the nail and hammer that chipped away at the resilient stone walls I’ve been building around me for years; inevitably replaced into the supporting beams which I rather needed. Despite how meticulous I can be, with him, I become less uptight and more comfortable on so many aspects.

Sometimes, I get tempted to text him, “I can’t stop thinking about you.” I’m pretty sure he would want to know about it. And I bet he would have cracked a smile upon seeing that text. He would probably tell me how happy that has made him, or that he couldn’t stop thinking about me as well. But as much as I want to, I couldn’t send it.

I love it when he holds my hand. Those fleeting moments when his fingertips lightly stroke my knuckles as his palm inches its way into mine. I want to tell him how at that split second, I feel an infinite sense of joy around me. I’m sure he would have known how much I meant it. But I can’t let those words run out of my big mouth, so I do my darnedest not to.

I won’t tell him. I can’t tell him. Because then he’d know, and I’m afraid he might do something to fuck things up.

You see, a few miles away, someone who loves me is waiting earnestly for me. My man, who, through the years, continually made me feel smart, safe, and innocent.

And out of nowhere, this other guy who I’m so afraid of… jumped out and helped me live spontaneously, passionately, happily.

He mixed dabs of colors into my palette, while my man was just… well, a still canvas.

He was the wind that persisted even on the days I was reluctantly forcing it away – my man was the air that I’ve been so accustomed to, I have trouble remembering it exists.

I keep battling with the fact that this guy is so close to being mine – if we had only met on another time or place or universe, things would have have been different.

I want to tell him that I love him…

If only I met him earlier. If only I met him first. But I didn’t, so…

I shouldn’t.

0

She

I hate a lot of things about her.

Maybe it’s because she’s so different. And complicated. A challenge for anyone, if I may add.

She’s got this queen-bee attitude. Yeah, I think I hate that about her. She would never just sit around without getting everything (she thinks) she deserves. You can’t just please her with flowers on Valentine’s, or a candle-lit dinner on your anniversary. She would always demand more from you, push you to do better, because she would never settle for some semblance of mediocrity.

Plus, she’s obsessed with being right all the time. And she’s got a big mouth. Two ingredients you just can’t put together… with her, especially. It makes her feel opinionated and smart. She would just delve in deep conversations – going on and on about religion, history, politics, and sociology – to the point that she makes me question my own beliefs and ideas. I hate that she outsmarts me on many occasions.

I hate that she’s always too ambitious. She’s already got her whole future ironed out, the life and dreams for her and all the people around her. She doesn’t even realize that not everyone would be there to stay; that something or someone’s bound to leave or change. And I hate that this naivety of hers just keeps breaking her heart.

I hate it when she cracks a smile… at practically anyone who comes her way. Does she always have to share that piece of herself to the rest of the world? How could she make it so easy to enthrall everyone with a mere smile?

I hate how she could make me feel this quiver of emotions inside me. How she always has me head over feet when we spend the entire afternoon together… then leaves my heart suffering from hypothermia with all the cold-shoulder the moment right after.

I hate how I always miss her… for every minute and every second spent apart. I hate it even more that she has never reciprocated that feeling.

I hate how she always makes me fall asleep with my phone in my hand because I am always, ALWAYS, desperately waiting for her text – even when I know it will never come.

I hate that she’s wrong for me on so many levels, yet I still have her on a pedestal.

I hate that despite all these, heaven decided to make a foolish jape out of me by granting me the unfortunate fate of falling in love with her… at the most inopportune time.

She’s not even supposed to be that big of a deal. I mean, I should just get on with the next girl, right? Find someone who’s not already tied to another man.

But I couldn’t.

I hate the fact that seeing her happy with him crushes my heart. Because then my mind would start making up these silly fantasies that I should have been the one beside her, and not him.

But I hate it even more when I see her crying because of him. Had I been the lucky guy, I would never, ever, let those tears run out.

I hate that her hurt hurts me. And it kills me knowing that she may actually want us together just as much as I do… something just keeps her holding on.

I love her, and would do anything to keep her in my life.

But she has already chosen someone to spend the rest of her life with. And I hate the fact that even when the whole universe already knows, I still can’t accept that I’m not that man.

crown

This is the first of a two-part love story. Click here to read the second one. :)

1

My Life Sucks

I have just finished the fourth installment of A Song of Ice Series…and I hate it.

By it, I don’t mean the book per se, but the feeling of finishing it.

For the past few days, I’m being a little more mindful of the fact that books have started to ruin my life.

Reading has always been my first resort when I’m in need of a recreational or therapeutic activity. Opening a book feels like being pushed into a vast, dark, and fathomless pit. And as I fall deeper into the endless hollow, the world I am in disappears, only to be replaced by a realm far more fascinating and marvelous. In a mere second, I see myself transform from a boring young adult, to a three-feet tall hobbit on a quest to slay Smaug the dragon in order to reclaim the hidden treasures of Lonely Mountain.

And yes, I’m well aware that eventually, I would have to leave that world of make-belief. I would have to close the book, and the wand in my hands while I was fighting the dark lord seconds ago would be but an old hairy brush. I would open my eyes and look around, only to see that I am back in my room, stuck with the harsh reality of having to live my normal, boring life again.

And then everything would start to sink in… my pathetic life would never be any better. I would never be able to ride off the back of a hippogriff. My billionaire ex-lover with shady connections, one who went through the lengths of bootlegging and throwing extravagant parties just to catch my attention, would vanish into thin air. I would lose my Florian, and the knights who have crowned me Queen of Love and Beauty would be nothing but a vague dream.

Ironic, isn’t it? You pick up a book to enjoy and revel in, yet ultimately, it becomes the catalyst for you to feel worse about yourself.

I hate this feeling.

I hate the denouement of it all.

I know Harry Potter’s life pretty much sucked before, too; but at least he got a way out when he received his Hogwarts letter when he was eleven. Meanwhile, here I am, still lying on my bed at 3 in the afternoon, eating leftover pasta, and waiting for my long-overdue letter for around a decade.

Perhaps my owl just lost its way? I do hope so.

0

7 Goals in 12 Months

Upon my graduation, people insisted I find a job immediately. I could have, since I was already given a job offer even before I officially graduated. But for some reason, I turned it down. And instead of finding a position in some top-notch international company, I found some time for myself. I started my own blog. I enjoyed a lot of good novels from my long queue of Books to Read. I marathoned some of my favourite TV shows which I haven’t had time for in the past couple of months. And I went through countless days of doing nothing but eat and sleep all throughout. And I’m not even sorry!

But now I guess the 62 days of a sedentary lifestyle have started to take its toll on me, so I finally decided to sign a contract with a company.

Behold, I am now an official Application Management Delivery Consultant at Hewlett-Packard! This coming July 7 would mark the first day of my working life.

And so, as a celebratory feat for this momentous occasion, I decided to put into paper a list of personal goals that I need to accomplish on the first year of my career. YAY! (Don’t fuss. This is how I celebrate things. Yes, I’m weird like that.)

Here are the 7 things I’d be busying myself with for the next 12 months. I already spared those lavish tangible items from this list (simply because they don’t need to be written on a sacred list to prod me into buying them). LOL.

1. Stay In Shape

By staying in shape, I don’t just mean attending yoga or boxing classes, or going to gym regularly (thanks to the rebate from HP); but essentially having a healthier lifestyle from the very basic. This is to face the fact that I’ve already stepped onto my 20s and that my body isn’t getting any younger. The junk that I’ve been feeding my body all these years – fast food, sweets, COKE – would eventually lead to the death of my organs. So from this day forward, I want to reverse the potential turmoil that a life in the corporate world could inflict upon my wellbeing; because being seated in an air conditioned room and staring at my computer the whole day everyday isn’t going to make me any fitter.

2. Learn something new

There are a lot of things I’ve been dying to learn to do ever since but just couldn’t find time to squeeze between my acads; things like cooking, speaking a foreign language, pole dancing, swimming (a prerequisite to scuba diving), biking (yes, I still don’t know how to this day),  and a lot more. Hopefully, now that I’m officially past the academe, I’d have the time and resources to tend to these things.

3. Rekindle an old hobby

As a child, I took a few years of piano lessons, but immediately gave up practicing as soon as the lessons stopped. I could also say that I was blessed with the skills of drawing and sketching before, but I took this for granted as I entered a science high school (since only math and science skills were constantly utilized there, anyway). These are only some of my hobbies during my childhood years which I now regret of letting go. I recently found the desire to do these again; maybe somehow I can revive the talents as well.

4. Buy a designer bag

Now I know I said I would avoid extravagance in this list, but I want to make an exemption. Anyway, apart from the fact that bags do NOT depreciate in value over time (unlike gadgets and cars), looking your best is also a requisite which most people tend to ignore. Harvey Specter couldn’t have said it any better, “people respond to the way we dress, so like it or not, this is what you have to do.”

This is at the least of my priorities though, since I already have a few to use by now. ;)

5. Start a personal book collection 

Most (if not all) of the books I’ve read are not my own. I either download an eBook from the internet; or perchance, grab just about any book I find at home. These books, however, have enlightened me to a point; so I would like to return the pleasure to the persons behind the glory in any little way that I can. Let me start with getting legal copies of my own. :D

 6. Travel

Vacation leaves expire, so better not put them to waste. Plus, it’s always going to be more thrilling to travel the world in my youthful vigour.

7. Save, save, save!

I saw an article once where persons in their 30s have confessed their regrets on not being financially smarter during their initial years with a steady income. I don’t ever want to be put in that position come my time. Not that I yearn to save millions on my first year of work, but hopefully I can at least comply with the perfect ratio on saving, splurging, and spending (20-30-50 respectively).

 

Aaaand, that does it. I’ll be going over this again come July 7, 2015 just to see how much I was able to accomplish in a year. Thank you if you’re still reading my post at this point, by the way. LOL. Here’s to an abundant first year of work!

0

Melancholy

I woke up this morning with the thought of you in my head. I stirred on my bed, struggling to retrieve that last stop point of my dream, that make-believe expanse where you and I were together, if only to savour even just a short period of illusory yet incessant happiness with you.

I counted the seconds until the feeling of your skin ceased to touch mine. And then, just like that, it was gone. I had fully woken up.

I think of trifling moments with you, mostly. I think of your contagious smile, and our little talks. I think of the sound of your voice, and me in the loving comfort of your arms. It has always been the silly instances like these that I miss; immaterial times I can only vaguely remember and yet still hope to recall. Moments we could have shared, had we been together right now.

Sometimes, I find myself talking to you while I watch TV; or thinking of the various restaurants we could have tried; or looking at pretty gifts to get you while I strolled around shopping malls. Perhaps I would have valued them even more, had I been with you that time.

I miss you so much, it hurts.

Nonetheless, maybe the idea of you I’ve crafted so perfectly in mind is nowhere near what you must really be right now. Maybe today, we would have been fighting over trivial matters, and yet I choose to believe that you and I are cuddling. And I guess the reason I miss you so much boils down to it. It’s only natural to long for someone when all we’re holding on to is the imagined feeling of joy – no boisterous fighting, no exchange of glares, no cold shoulders.

But still, sometimes, I need those fights. Sometimes, I’d rather hear you yell at me, than be stuck with another happy conversation in this virtual reality. Because some nights, the stickers and emojis just don’t cut it. The reassurance that you’re there with me, is clobbered by the sight and feeling that you’re not.

Generally, I just want to be surprised one day and see you show up there and then. At times, I would have even settled with you feeding me deceptions that you would arrive on the morrow. I would have believed whatever lies you come up with, anything that can tranquilize this bursting longing inside me. And if that’s still too much to ask for, then at the very least, I just want to hear from you that you yearn to be here… with me. Just once, I want to wake up to a reality that is better than my dreams.

But then we only end up fighting, and my illusions remain as is.

I guess I’d just have to endure 44 more days like this. Oh, if only I could dream my way through it.

Image
3

Savoring the last few days of my life as a bum

Savoring the last few days of my life (as a bum)

I remembered downloading this iOS app (AutoDesk’s SketchbookX) a few weeks back; and just now, I thought of giving it a go. So after a tad too many hours of doodling, I present to you my masterpiece! Apart from some references for the Hogwarts uniform, I did the entire thing from scratch. Haven’t drawn anything with such dedication for so many years now, so imagine my feels after finishing it!

This is how I perceive the trio based on the book and NOT the actors; because save for Rupert Grint and Alan Rickman, everyone doesn’t look anything like the characters they’re portraying. (My opinion, IDC if you don’t share the same sentiments). And as much as I love Emma Watson, she’s definitely too hot and gorgeous for geeky Hermione. FYI, big bushy hair does not translate to soft luscious curls. And that she’s a graduate of any ivy league university doesn’t change a thing.

crown

Left the faces blank because I suck. But someday, I will have the courage to draw in the faces. ;)

0

Kintsukuroi

You were the first man I fell in love with; or at least the man I thought I was in love with.

I can still remember those days, vivid as if it were only yesterday. You told me you loved me; and then I, engrossed in my petty notions of love and ever after, decided to offer you my all. I ceased to seek my own dreams – what I want and who I wanted to be – because every part of me was solely invested in you. I put you and the ambitions we shared above all else.

But in the vein of every other tales of heartbreak that ever existed, you left me. Without even a word. Just that it’s over. And for a moment there, it seemed as if my life was too.

While I wallowed in pain and self-pity on one corner, you were already on romantic escapades with other girls. It didn’t matter that the sight of you flirting felt like a repeated stab in my already shattered heart. Truth be told, the sight of you was probably the only thing that mattered.

Seasons passed and gradually, my tears were able to wash away my misery. And in the nick of time, you decided to show up; allegedly regretting the monstrosity you’ve inflicted upon me, upon us; professing your unresolved feelings after three fucking years of not caring.

These were the words that would have brought me to heaven and back, the very words that would have had me running back into your arms. But that was the case three years ago – before you stripped me down to my most basic, bare, and raw self; before you destroyed me to the point that there was no other option, but to rebuild myself based solely on the little remains of my life.

I survived that whole ordeal. I freed myself from the cuffs of torment you strangled me with; and from there, I emerged a better person. A stronger one.

So, thank you for breaking my heart. Before, I was naive. I was so consumed in the promises of forever after and happy endings, because I refused to feel pain. Now, I can embrace love and contentment despite the pain. Thank you for being a person I had never ever expected you to be. Now, you would be a constant reminder for me not to blindly trust people. And most of all, thank you for letting me know that I was capable of loving someone that much. Because now that you’re gone, I get to have that kind of love again… but better. For I get to share that love with someone worthy of it.

You were my first love; and apparently, you will always be, no matter how much I compel myself to see this as an aftermath of a wounded pride. But along with every other memory of you stashed in a far corner of my heart, I believe this business is best left untouched.

Getting over you was never easy, I will not let myself go through it all over again.

Tea bowl fixed in the Kintsugi method, n.d. photograph, viewed 28 May 2014..


Photo Credits

Tea bowl fixed in the Kintsugi method, n.d. photograph, viewed 28 May 2014. < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tea_bowl_fixed_in_the_Kintsugi_method.jpg >
Photo edit by Ada Felipe.